Another time, another place

Yesterday I posted that blog at 2:15. I didn't know what the rest of my day would look like. I was just taking a moment to jot my feelings about how adoption includes much sadness and happiness. My heart was feeling heavy yesterday. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that my girls might have some mixed emotion about the welcome bags. Or maybe the rest of my day would lead me to another reason this might be happening.

When I picked up my little man from daycare yesterday, they said he had a rough day. He even bit a child (no damage, but still). He seemed clingy and wanted to be held. We spent the evening outside and it seemed that he wanted to stay close by and participate in the activities I was doing.

After his long day of outdoor play, he required a soaking on the tub to remove a layer or two of dirt. As I put him in the tub he began to cry - that's not so odd, he cries if he thinks you are going to wash his hair... but the cry was different, yet familiar. Poor baby. He seemed that he needed to be held. I quickly finished and pulled him out of the tub. I wrapped him in a towel and held him close. The crying continued, his eyes closed his face pressed into mine. Earlier he had found a pacifier that he brought to the tub to play with, it was now comforting him, though he still managed to cry while holding it in his mouth. That cry. I have heard him cry like this before... but when? Ah, in Ethiopia. I remember. The cry lasted a few weeks after arriving home, diminishing over time. But now it was back. And it took me back. As I gazed down at this little child wrapped in a towel, crying - maybe it's a moan and not a cry, being comforted by the suckling and touch of my skin. Comforted, yet sad. I wondered what was causing this. Was it that the weather that day in Minnesota was similar to that of Ethiopia when we brought him home? Maybe? I didn't know.

Finally after a long time of just holding him, we put his pajamas on and moved to his room. He brought me his "Peanut Shell" a sling of sorts, that wraps him close to me. We used it often in the first weeks together, but I have not seen it in some time now. He looked in his basket and brought it to me. "Do you want mommy to hold you in the Peanut Shell?" an affirmative head nod as the pacifier limits his words. He crawled in and snuggled into me the way he did those first days home. Pressing his skin against my skin, breathing into me. Memories of Ethiopia flooded in.

Again gazing down at this amazing little being. I could see his birth mother. They look so much alike. And I thought of her and said a prayer for her.

Finally, but resistantly, he allowed me to leave him for the night.

Trent and I settled into bed last night and I told him about the biting incident at daycare, and I mentioned how Tamene had a rough night. That's all I said... "he had a rough night." Trent wondered out loud if it might be because this was getting close to the time of the year his birth mother would have been making arrangements for his adoption plan. It was in fact a year ago. I don't know what's going on in the head of that little man. But I can tell you what's going on in mine.

Take a look at the blog I wrote a year ago, and then note the comment I added when we brought him home.

http://beforeiknewyou.blogspot.com/2008/04/where-do-babies-come-from.html


In April, one year ago, I did not know the amazing woman who would share the gift of life with me. But my heart was connecting with her still. Today one year later... again, I grieves her loss, the anniversary of this difficult time. My heavy heart yesterday, and Trent's observation of the anniversary. And today, as I reflected on my blog from a year ago...

I don't know what triggers an anniversary memory in a place that doesn't look the same, smell or the same or have the same sounds. I think we were brought together for a moment, the three of us. I don't have conclusive evidence of my hypothesis, but the little man and I experienced something last night... I hope that his birth mother knew we were thinking of her.