An interesting day

I am on the fence about something. It's a funny thing to be on the fence about. I can deal in the world of gray but I think I prefer black and white. I prefer "yes" or "no" answers. Yet, I thrive on a loop hole. So what is it that I am on the fence about? Worry. It's about "worry". To worry or not to worry, that is the question. But its not what I worry about. I am on the fence about my opinion about what other people worry about. So it's my opinion. I guess that's why we say "on the fence"... so it is my opinion about worry.

If you're confused now... I'll warn you it's only going to get muddier. There is not a clear thought in my head tonight.

In a clear moment in my head, I can decide what I should worry about and what I should not. And when I say worry, I mean where I should focus my energy and how I should make a decision. So in a clear moment I know to prioritize my decisions.

No, no, no... that's not it, not worry. I wonder about priorities. That's the real question here. Priorities - not worry, or fences, or muddy water. Just priorities.

I think the thing is that we are all handed a set of circumstances in life and in within that set we have to decide what is important and what isn't. But I see life through my filter and my experiences. And right now the least of my worries is the color of my purse or deciding what school my kids are going to get into. So I lack empathy. Really lack empathy for the mother who is stressed out about what school to enroll her child in. I am not stresses about school, I just want to get them all into a school, preferably the same school.

And, in my perspective I have children's lives in my hands and I am trying to decide if any education is better than no education at all. That seems obvious to me... but I wonder if someone else is prioritizing "the best schools" for one child, when they could offer good schools to 2-3 children or even basic education for 4 or 5. So I am not in a position to wonder if it's Harvard or Yale... but I wonder about a starving child. I don't want to judge, I don't want to criticize but it might come across that way when I hear of a family that wants to adopt but can't afford two kids in private schools [note sarcasm]. Right, right, I mean if little American Johnny can't go to private school, what will become of him? But... what about African Joshua, no school. Nothing. For the cost of private school you could bring African Joshua home for a public school education. Then you have changed the world.

And what about priorities in my house. Do I need to feel judged? And by the way I don't much care if someone does judge me, but it's that moment in the conversation where things get awkward. "Don't you think you should home school?", or "Don't you think you should use a Christian school?" Sure, I've thought about it. Then I decided I'd like to expose my kids to the real world. and let I'd like to let them learn lessons at the price a 5 year old mistake in picking his soccer team, not an ethical dilemma on oil reserves. Some day, some where, my kids are going to face the real world, I'd like to instill my values on them now in the face of the real world... not wait until they have lost their decision making skills. (some one is going to feel judged about this statement... don't! that's my point, I get to make my choices for me and you get to make them for you - homeschool away, I might change my mind next week and homeschool too).

And what about this... what about the fact that someone does get to have a horrible day over a broken nail, and another person a horrible day because their car broke down, or a horrible day because their family received shocking news. Each person has their own right to think it's the worst day ever. But some concerns become trivial and shrivel up fast in the light of the things that really matter. In the light of life or death. In the light of quality of life, in the light of being someone who can change the world for another person, do I still have to listen to the person with the broken nail... shouldn't there be some kind of "get out of ______ free card" for this. If my stress of the day is about bringing home children from Ghana, do I really have to be subjected to conversations about "I can't decide what school is the best". For crying out loud some children in this world get NO education and you are worried about the scores of School A vs. School B?

My head is splitting into quickly multiplying thoughts of conversation about this.

I think I have a point.
Life is only as complicated as we make it.
I personally don't have time to stress out about fingernails and germs on a fallen piece of candy. I just don't have time for it right now. But I have to find the time to figure out how to bring to orphaned children to America. How do I get them food and education.

I think I am supposed to be worried about some little things right now. Like getting the kids ready for school or deciding when I will get around to that old project around the house. The thing is those problems could be fixed in a flash. So I am going to decide to procrastinate my worry until the last possible moment. I think it will decrease the amount of over-all worry for me.

So if you ask me, about packing for this trip, I plan to worry about that on Tuesday or Wednesday if I leave on Wednesday. If you ask me about -STOP


Right here.... just right here in the middle of this random blog I am going to stop. I cold continue to worry about it and reword content, but NO. I am just done. Let me prioritize my thoughts.

I have three babies asleep in their room after each eating a warm brownie. I have two dogs that like me and really hope to sleep near me tonight. And tonight I must sleep because tomorrow I start with the packing lists again. I cannot forget anything.


wow, I am tired, off to bed