Ponderings from a waiting parent:

I asked a fellow adopting parent who has not yet traveled to share her questions with me. I am still working to categorize my thoughts, I am hoping this will help!
(a small bit of background and disclaimer - I am a huge fan of disclaimers!... My husband and I have a background in Mental Health. I have an undergraduate degree in Psychology and a Master's degree in Human Development. Trent is a Marriage and Family Therapist and has done some doctoral work in addition to his master's and post-masters work. So some of my comments might be accurate, they might even be quotable. I might know something about what I am writing about. But there is a very good chance due to cultural differences, I don't have a clue. The opinions here are my own, they are not researched or checked for accuracy and do not represent the professional work of myself or my husband. Also none of the information is supported by or approved by any adoption agency).

1) What did your days look like while you were there? ie: Wake up (8am), breakfast 9am), taxi to EH 10am, play with little ones while older ones where in school?, lunch (noon), play with older ones?, snack?, etc.
I remember reading of a parent who got on a specific schedule. I think this was a good idea for the children. I would recommend doing the same thing each day, it creates more predictability for the children and they don't have to wonder when they will see you.

For me, the children were in the process of moving from one house to another while I was there. There wasn't much to do in the old house those last few days, because much of the toys and activities were moved to the new house. In the first days in the new house there wasn't a lot to do because not everything was set up. The children were well cared for and entertained, but it was more spur-of-the-moment activities in many cases.

Honestly I wasn't able to get a handle on the schedule. By the time we would have had some semblance of a schedule there was a change in the schedule due to some unanticipated circumstances.

If I had to summarize what I saw, I arrived at EH about 8:30 each day. The children had already been up for some time, had eaten and were either preparing for or attending school, or if there was no school, then finding an activity. Snack around 10, lunch around noon, nap from 1-3-ish. Playing until dinner, more play and then bed time snack and then bed. I did not stay for bed time, but was there for bed time snack one night.


2) How are the kids to each other in the house?
I have two distinct answers for this. One is what I saw as an American point of view "snap shot" in the first few days and later, with a better understanding of the culture a more open minded view.

American view days 1-3:
Factors: Change in house, lack of toys due to move etc.
Assumptions: We have a "bubble", we use our words, we do not hit, all children are created equal
So I'll just tell you what was running through my mind;
What is going on here? I can't believe the children hit each other. And why are the aunties telling the children not to sit on my lap? Hey... stop hitting each other. WHAT? WHAT do you mean she BEAT you? Do these children get enough food? Is there any schedule here? Oh my, did that person just hit a baby? (keep reading!!!)
Now - with all that running through my mind, I knew it was my American perspective and I needed to reassess, but first I had to categorize my thoughts and think through what I was seeing. I had a gut feel that they were not "attacking" each other.

American view-Meets Ghanaian view weeks 3 and 4:
New Factors: I had made friends with several Ghanaians of various ages, including teens. I spent time outside of EH and saw how Ghanaians interacted with their children in general. As well as children not at EH.
New Assumptions: Age=Seniority. It is equally appropriate to use verbal and physical commands to direct a person (no one is actually being hurt!)... bubbles are only those things your blow with soap!
Now, here is what I am seeing. The children, the people, have a pecking order based on age. If you are doing something that is against a social norm (pestering an adult) it is the job of any and all senior ages to correct you. The likelihood of a verbal correction is as likely to happen as a physical correction. Frankly, we spend a LOT of time tell our American children to keep their hands to their self, to use their words not their hands, etc. These kids are used to someone touching them to move them or to "push" them in a new direction if they are acting inappropriately. (but push is an American concept in the description). BEAT... this word is equivalent to our word HIT... and HIT only means that I might have been swatted accidentally or on purpose. The child is likely not injured any more than when two children bump into each other and insist they have been "hit" by the other child (American version). Culturally their level of physical interaction is more aggressive than ours (American descriptor), to grab a baby's attention an American might "tap" them on the arm, but the Ghanaian way of tapping could easily be considered pretty aggressive and hard by American standards. The baby doesn't cry, she just changes her attention. The baby is not injured, or startled or shaken, but an American baby would be VERY surprised by this interaction.

So, if you have children, neighbors or cousins who "rough-house" and you wish the parents would ask them to stop... spend some time with these kids before you go. Notice that no one is actually being tortured, it's just a difference from household to household about home much rough-housing is allowed. You'll see it in Ghana. At EH I did tell the children to stop. They are going to come to America and surprise other American children with these behaviors. So I think it is okay to redirect the children and ask them to use their words, but just keep in mind it doesn't mean the kids are rude, or aggressive, or that they are not being watched by the aunties. It's just different.


3) This one might be hard to put on the blog...especially if there are negatives...what are the Aunties like? I assume they all have different personalities. Do the kids have their favorites and vice versa? What were your observations on how the Aunties felt about the kids leaving Ghana? What are their thoughts of Americans?

I think I can blog a very reasonable and honest answer about this, I am I leaving the wording of the original question.

The aunties are all great. Yes, varying personalities, but clearly the understand their job and their role and they take it seriously (yet have a great sense of humor with the children). You can ask a child who their favorite Auntie is, but they won't understand the question or the concept. Rather, I took note of who my children preferred, by observing who they wanted to have their picture taken with first. Again, this was not bad or as if the children "didn't like" an auntie. But some of the Aunties seem to be assigned different tasks. So the Auntie who cooks, didn't get as much attention from my girls as the Auntie who plays games. An obvious response! I certainly did not get the impression that there were any aunties the children would shy away from or had an adverse response to.

And of course I watched to see who the aunties had as their favorites! The nice thing about this is that there appears to be a bit of an age related response to this. Certain aunties spend more time with the babies and appear to be in LOVE with the babies!!! One auntie would come and steal one of the babies from anyone holding her as soon as she started her shift. All of the kids seemed to have a link with one or more Aunties. I didn't notice anyone who seemed "left-out" even a couple of the "stubborn" type children would get a humorous nudge from an Auntie now and then. Then there were other Aunties who seemed to really love the older kids... and I noted that some of the younger aunties, talked with some of the older children a bit like "friends". Sylvia had me take her to get her hair done one day and the aunties ALL ooohed and ahhhed over it. Sylvia was sooooooo proud!

I think in Ghana they do not normally acknowledge birthdays, but at EH they do. They sing to the children and talk to them about their age. They mention to others that it is the child's birthday. Usually the stronger the connection between the auntie and the child, the bigger the deal was about it being a special day!

Moving on to the question about the Aunties feeling towards the children leaving.
I watched the aunties say good-bye to 5 children while I was there. Keeping in mind this is a culture that doesn't support crying in public, the aunties looked pretty devastated and I saw many many tears being shed. As expected they are sad at the loss of the relationship they have built with the children. But in post conversations, they explained that they are happy for the children. They are glad that the children get a family and that they know they will have a better life in America. It also appears the EH has had some excellent families coming to represent America, explaining that we plan to teach the children to be proud of Ghana! (sporting a Ghana flag or a President Kwame pin will get you a LOT of positive attention ;-). So I honestly think that those who work at EH support the children coming to America.

Their thoughts of Americans - in general people in Ghana seem to like Americans. But beware that not all white people are American and some other non-American may have said or done something fairly offensive. In my opinion, you are well off to tell people you are American. The Aunties know you are, so it's less of an issue there. The aunties are great people, and they just want to know that their work is appreciated. As families go to visit it would serve us very well to compliment them on their work and note any specific actions the aunties take that we like or that will help the children adjust in America. They are proud of their work and would like to hear that we appreciate it. Do not under estimate the power of saying thank you! And for any bonus or brownie points with the Aunties, learn some Ga! They love to laugh at the way we say words in Ga.


4) Staying...one trip or two? Although that depends on each families circumstances. What would your "ideal" trip to Ghana look like?
(ie: length of stay, place to stay, places to visit).

Good, just my personal opinion here.
I absolutely love how my trips have worked out for me. I wouldn't likely recommend a repeat for another family, but it has been perfect for me.

4 weeks is a good amount of time to learn the culture. But you have to socialize with the locals. Doing "touristy" things won't teach you much you couldn't have learned from a book or the Internet. Make friends, it's not like America, they really do want to spend time with you. Your willingness to spend time with them is as equally appreciated as their time spent with you.

Leaving my American children home for 4 weeks without a mommy - not such a good plan. I wouldn't "plan" for this kind of thing, it was too much for my 3 and 6 year old.

Bringing my 9 year old for two weeks, also not such a great plan. She was tired, jet-lagged and not feeling well emotionally, and the last thing she wanted to do was share her mom with new sisters. I think 7-9 days should be a max for my daughter. 14 days pushed her to the limit.

Yes, they speak English in Ghana, but do not assume you will not encounter a language barrier - you will! And when you talk to your kids and they smile and nod... they do NOT understand you. And your taxi driver who says, "get in" doesn't know where you want to go... and I thought I bought 3 dresses to be made for my girls, in fact I now own 9! Speak SLOWLY! Do-not-run-your-words-together. One word at a time!! ask for clarification, and often writing something down is a better way to ensure understanding. Keep in mind the person you are with my not be able to read, but they likely know someone who will. I would ask if I should write something down and many times the answer was yes, especially if I was buying something. I brought a journal along and it was a life-saver as a basic communication tool!

So for me the ideal trip to Ghana would be 2 weeks with a local "escort" or anyone who could really tell me about the culture. If any "tourist" activities were to take place, I would want that person with me. I enjoyed making friends who would speak to my girls in their native language and tell me what they were saying. I gained way more insight than if I had attempted to ask the questions on my own. Don't hesitate to ask someone to interpret an important question you have for your child.

I recommend staying close to the children. A guest house near Eban House. Unless you are a highly experienced traveler, then do whatever makes you happy :-)

5) Techie questions: Best way to communicate?
In my humble opinion :
*Computer with skype is the best talking/video communication. But there is a significant delay between PCs. Practice locally before attempting in Ghana... And be aware that it is very, very slow. Trent and I spent the first conversation talking over one another.
*Blackberry/iPhone with data package is the best way to "stay connected" (I used facebook, google chat, and general email) I want to give a plug to the google chat application installed on my phone. I could always look for a green dot to see who was on-line and it helped me to feel less alone and more connected. Kind of my own security blanket.
*Get a local phone, to make local calls. EH has some you can borrow, or take anyone to get you one. You will save money over making calls via a phone from the US. I found a driver I liked and on more than one occasion it cost me more to call him than to get a ride! You can call the US cheap on those phones!! So if you don't need to video option, just a Ghana phone is good.

**Frugal approach: Just get a phone in Ghana and if you find the need to use internet, just go to the cafe for about .50 USD you can use a computer for an hour. After 15 minutes you will be so frustrated with the slowness of the connection, you will likely avoid the internet the rest of your stay. Borrow a phone from EH and pay for the minutes as you go. I think I could have kept my total costs to around 20-30 USD. Instead I have an outrageous bill. But I was able to work while I was in Ghana and I did not "take time off" so the cost was worth it for me.


6) Birth parent visit.

(I promise to get to this one soon, I need more time)

7)Visa medical - Did you have to have the girls poop yet for the Dr.? I am so concerned about how you get them to poop for the test on demand? Of all things to be concerned about!!! hee

My personal take... the staff know what they are doing. Do not go along to the Visa medical. It won't be your worry and your presence won't affect the staff and children getting business taken care of.


8) Do the kids seem to be well toilet trained (especially sleep time)? I have looked at the report on my kids and it seems like they go to the bathroom very little (like twice a day)...that can't be right? Are they getting a lot of fluids?
Potty training - Good question. First let me give you give you my "text book" type answer on this. It does not matter what you hear about the status of your child's potty training experience, you should expect and plan for regression and issues in this area. I wouldn't say that it is likely you will have a problem, I would just tell you it's better to be prepared for this kind of thing. So, think diapers, pull-ups and other protections. Maybe for a 7 or 8 year old you are safe, but 6 and under could easily experience challenges with day or night time wetness, especially on an airplane ride.

Now, for the basic parent answer. The kids are getting plenty, plenty, plenty to drink. It is my understanding that the "potty report" is only for the poo and not for the pee :-). On a side note, don't be surprised if your personal water elimination is minimal while in Ghan, the stuff comes out of your pores, and you rarely have to go to the bathroom. On more than one occasion I consumed 3-4 liters of water and only required one bathroom break all day!

As far as toilet training day and night.. the kids seem to have a regular routine for hand washing, bathing and toileting. So I am guessing it is not an issue in general. I did not note any children having "accidents". Where diapers are being used, they are being used as needed and on children who need/require them. As for sleeping... I can tell you that they do have some mattress covers that they use, so I assume that there are night time accidents. My personal experience included a child with overnight accidents. If you are bringing them to the guest house you might consider a waterproof or disposable liner until you know for sure. And one night does not equal "for sure".

9) How was the malaria? Did you feel that Evelyn had it and how did she react to it and to the meds? Did you take Malaria meds while there? Angelisa and Trent too?
Trent and I took Malaria meds for our trip to Ethiopia and Ghana. Trent took Mefloquine and did have some wild dreams in Ethiopia, but was fine with it in Ghana. No other side effects. I took Malarone for both trips. I had no problems. Angelisa took Malarone and didn't appear to experience any side effects. She had no complaints regarding her health or well being while we were in Ghana (aside from a heat rash).

I went to the hospital with a group of children who were ill. Five children made the trip. Upon review by the doctor three of the children had blood work done and those 3 were confirmed to have Malaria. Two did not have blood work done, but were treated for Malaria, though they appeared less ill than those who were tested. I think the more extreme cases were being tested to see just how bad the cases were.

Within 3 days of the children being treated for Malaria they were all responding better to the meds. I did ask a lot of questions of the locals about malaria, so all my information could be urban myth and wives tales. I personally would not hesitate to be treated for malaria while in Ghana. I would not hesitate to have my children (Ghanaian or American) treated for malaria while in Ghana. Ghanaians are familiar with it. I know some people have concerns about meds, vaccinations, etc, so this advice is not for those folks. My family usually does not have issues with meds or reactions and has few or no allergies. Excellent general health, so I can make this kind of decision without a lot of concern on the front end. Tip: if you get a fever while in Ghana, see a doctor. Assuming your general health is well, it is way easier to get treated there than here (or that's what I hear). It was my experience with these children that the fever will come and go, don't be tricked by a fever that "breaks" it is likely to return as bad or worse within 24 hours.


Any other questions, feel free to post!